So, I got on the phone today. My thinking is, the first place to start is some sort of drug and alcohol rehab center. I never thought of myself as an addict before. I mean, I know I am dependent, but an addict? Whatever…..this was a good place to start. Knowing myself well enough (at least from an “addict’s” point of view), I feel that more of a medical perspective to recovery would work better. You know…not so much the five sessions a week of outpatient rehab with one day a week at NA or something like that, but more what medications would be effective in helping with the withdrawal symptoms. That worries me more at the present time than anything else.
I live in a relative large farming area. This valley started out being apples and cherries and then went to wine grapes. So, my options were relatively limited at best. The first place I called wasn’t very helpful. She explained to me that their program was shut down for the next year because they couldn’t find counselors who could get along well enough for the program to continue. They were in kinda hold mode. That made me feel a little deflated a bit. How in the heck am I going to get clean if the counselors couldn’t be functional enough to hold their jobs?
After a few minutes of deep breathing, I went to the next one. A very nice lady came on the phone and after explained to her what I was looking for, she went into explaining to me about their program and how they could help. I was feeling pretty hopeful until she started talking about the fact that they give us hospital gowns and…….at that point in time, I interrupted her and commended again that I was not interested in anything inpatient. It is very important that I be able to continue working because of my health insurance. I didn’t know how else to afford it. After a few moments of discomfort, I thanked her and then promptly sat down and cried. I was so frustrated at that point. I started to think that I bit off more than I could chew and that I was going to have to resolve myself to the fact that this is the way life was going to be for me.
Then I got mad (Ya, stubborn, remember?). I went back to the phone book for one of the last phone numbers that looked like good enough options and called. It happened to be a place that friends of mine had gone to. Unfortunately they were not very successful….but I am a different person and, what the heck…..nothing gained, nothing lost (or as I like to say, no guts, no glory).
The receptionist came on the phone and I stated my reason for calling and asked if they had more of a medical approach to treatment. She said yes and I scheduled an appointment in a few days. I was surprised that I could get in so quickly.
When I arrived at my appointment, I was surprisingly numb. I play scenarios in my mind all the time when it comes to doing things that are uncomfortable. It helps me gain control of my emotions when I think it is going to be a difficult task. I don’t know about you, but I hate crying in front of people or loosing my cool. I have always been a very private person my whole life and unless I give you permission to peak at my insides, I would rather you not. Know what I mean? Like that 3-foot area around my body that I only give few people permission to enter. Course, it could have been the extra OxyContin I took before I left home….just in case I was there for a while.
Anyway, I accepted the clipboard the receptionist gave me, sat down and proceeded to fill out 3 pages of whatever I will filling out before I realized it was the same sheet. I am sure my face was a little red when I went up the counter to turn in my work and explained to her that I did not realize it was then same sheet, “I am pretty thorough,” I remember saying, to try to pass it off as a joke….lighten the mood, so she didn’t think I was a total idiot. She chuckled (thank God), and offered to shred the extras and gave me another clipboard with 12 or so pages on it to complete my paperwork. I sat down again and numbly filled them out as I watched and listened to stuff going on around me to get a feel for the place. There was a young kid sitting across from me filling out his bible as well. I felt kinda sad for him. I got the impression that a lot of people went through this place for legal reasons. An older guy came in while I was filling out my paperwork and spent 20 minutes or so explaining his case and that he needed to have paperwork in order to get his driver’s license back. I remember he told the receptionist that he had not driven in 5 years and he was excited to be doing this.
A guy walked in the door and noticed the flustered look on the receptionist’s face and stepped in to help out. He sounded like one of the counselors. I was impressed with the calm, helpful, compassionate way he spoke to the guy and it was at that point I took a deep breath and realized that I was in the right place.
A few minutes later I was handing my paperwork to the flustered receptionist and was being called down the hall by a rather attractive (middle aged?)...(man I hope she doesn’t read this and get offended) woman with a relatively calm demeanor, to a room at the end of the hall. The room was what I expected, except she had a coleus plant that encircled the top of the walls about 3 times. So, it appeared she had been here for a while. Even that gave me a little comfort.
The paperwork was daunting. They wanted to know everything; from how much beer I drink on a regular basis and when I started drinking, how much medical marijuana I ingest and when I first started smoking it (my doctor that provides the OxyContin and Vicodin was also kind enough to refer me to get a license for medical marijuana as well), my family addiction history, the names of all my children (oh, sounds like a soap opera, doesn’t it?) and if they have addictive histories…. I was honestly waiting for her to ask me where I go for vacations and what kind of bread I buy.
After all that, she sat back and asked me if I had any questions before we went any further. Of course, I was interested in medical therapy and inquired as such. She then explained to me that they do not have a doctor on staff and do not prescribe drugs for withdrawal. My heart sank and I went immediately into my own mind and I honestly do not recall what she said next. It was simply heartbreaking and frustrating (ya, you’re gonna hear that word a lot…sorry, but true).
She had a kind way about her, though. She knew when to talk and when to listen. No, I didn’t break down and cry. I think my OxyContin was well kicked in by then. After what I felt was a long period of time and was beginning to worry about getting back home because I was late for work, she decided to hold the rest of the intake and we got to talking about a doctor in town who was the only doctor licensed to prescribe Suboxone for withdrawal. Suboxone is a narcotic medication indicated for the treatment of opioid dependence, available only by prescription and must be taken under a doctor’s care, as prescribed. If you are interested in gathering more information regarding Suboxone, here is a web site you can start with: http://www.suboxone.com/
The really cool part of this story, is that he not only dealt with his addiction, he saved his medical practice, and is now the only doctor in this part of the state who is licensed to prescribe Suboxone. I was soo impressed with that. Who else to help someone like me out, but someone I know who has gone through it himself. Not only that, but helps a lot of other people out as well. That spoke volumes to me! I could feel my mind relax. I knew I had gone the right direction. Even though she may not be able to help me out, she had information that led me to just the right person.
Anyway, I was starting to get excited about this prospect……until she said something about a waiting list (Yup, crushed again, but still not crying). Then she said the doctor’s name, which totally set me back. It was a doctor I had worked for many years ago as a receptionist. He too had some addiction issues and almost lost his license to practice medicine because he was not returning calls from his underwriters regarding a yearly physical he was supposed to take to maintain that license. Yup, addiction does not discriminate against race, creed, religion, sex…..we are ALL human. Of course, part of that physical involved a urine test…and you know what that would have showed?!
I also wasn’t keen on the thought of letting anyone else in on what I was doing. I hadn’t even told my family yet. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it and then, if I failed….well, you know.
The counselor talked about other options as well; an inpatient clinic pain clinic that lasted 4 weeks in Bremerton
By the end of the meeting, I had agreed to go see the Suboxone doctor. Understanding a little bit of medicine and therapies because of my work, I knew there were alternative therapies that could be offered and not necessarily Suboxone. Besides, I didn’t want to wait. I had made up my mind and needed to act before I got frustrated and changed it.
My appointment was set for a week later. I was not feeling well that day. Not only did I run out of my Vicodin because I took more than I was supposed during that month, but I was sporting what was going to be a raging sinus infection and (okay guys, plug your ears and make a loud steady noise so you cannot hear this)…my body decided to start going through the change of life and I was having hot flashes at night, so I was not getting a whole lot of sleep. If there is one thing on this earth I refuse to do without, it is my sleep. I am usually a Jekyll, but my Hyde comes out if I don’t get enough of it (just ask my poor husband).
So after the proverbial paperwork was completed and sitting for what I thought was an extensive period of time watching some stupid news thing on the TV that was installed at the upper part of the wall in the corner so as not to allow access to kids (or adults), I was called to the examination room. The nurse took my vital signs, temperature and asked all the same questions that I filled out in the paperwork (why do they do that anyway?), she left the room and I was left to shuffle through the few (stupid) tattered sports magazines some other patient left in the room from before until the doctor decided to give me some time (Ya, I didn’t have any extra Vicodin that day, so my attitude was showing).
I was pleasantly surprised. He didn’t look physically like he had changed at all in the 15 or so years I had seen him last. He had a quiet demeanor and he seemed very patient (R..R…R… no pun intended) and happy to see me again.
After a few pleasantries, we got down to business. I told him what I thought I was looking for, knowing that Suboxone was not really an option at the time, and by the time I left his office, I had prescriptions for Neurontin 600 mg twice a day and Clonidine 0.1 mg, 1 or 2 tablets three times daily. He wrote out a schedule for weaning down on the Vicodin first on a sheet of paper for me as well.
I always thought the Vicodin would be harder to titrate down off of than the OxyContin. I think it is because of the instant feeling of relief that one gets from the Vicodin, but the doctor expressly stated that the OxyContin would be much harder than the Vicodin.
So, I walked out of his office feeling pretty comforted, yet still scared. I was still so determined to shovel myself out and get rid of my monkey (nope, can’t think of any more metaphors right now…sorry). I went home pretty pleased with myself and took my first pills as soon as I got in the door and got to work.
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