Well, I am new at this, as are so many of us. I guess I will start by explaining a little bit about myself (I know, boring, huh?)
I am a 49-year-old woman, divorced twice and recently remarried. I guess I too bought into the forever after promise, but it turned out pretty good. When you are looking for someone at this age, your priorities are a little different. I met him at a bar. He was the base player in the band that was playing that night. The table that I ended up sitting at was the band table and the lead player’s wife introduced us. I clubbed him, drug him into my cave and made him mine. I am about 3 years his senior, but he is so goofy, I forget that a lot of times. He has a great sense of humor and he is very empathetic……to a fault. We have known each other for about 6 years and were recently married last May 2010.
I have two adult children; one who is the light of my life….a 29-year-old wonderful lady who now lives in Seattle and is working diligently on her series of books that sounds simply fantabulous, and my older daughter by a couple of years who has decided that I am not a worthy enough a person to be a part of my 1-year-old twin grandbaby’s lives (all bitterness not aside).
So, I am just your ordinary person with an ordinary life with ordinary problems, just like anyone else. Nothing special (unless you ask my husband. Don’t tell him I said that, K?)
I was first diagnosed with fibromyalgia about 20 years ago. I had a friend of mine whose husband was a professional weightlifter. She talked me into going to the gym at every morning and working out. She warned me it would hurt and to expect it to. A few months into it, I was doing lat pull downs while she was standing behind me and noticed that my left scapula (shoulder blade) was not moving the same as my right. I was hurting…but I was supposed to expect that, right? Two surgeries later, the first for what they call impingement syndrome where they take off the furthest part of the acromion bone and the other for what they call adhesive capsulitis. I guess I am a scar builder. Then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. Fun, huh?
At first I was a little scared. I didn’t know what fibromyalgia was. At least the doctor explained that it was not a progressive disease, that I would have “flares” once in a while, but it wasn’t life threatening. That was a bit of a comfort at the time. I got home, got on line and started ravenously looking into information about fibro and very quickly burned out. I felt like I had filled up my brain and didn’t have room for anything else. So, after I took some time to digest all of the information, I dug back in.
So then I got stubborn (I am like that you know). I didn’t like the idea of having something that wasn’t curable. So, I tried practically everything imaginable…..therapies, mantras, positive thinking, exercise, TENS unit, heat, ice, supplements, vitamins. I bought every book imaginable on the subject….and you know what?......I still have fibro (you thought there was going to be a happy ending, huh?).
I then found a doctor who was willing to prescribe OxyContin. That was back when the FDA told us that it was not addictive. I have since learned that the FDA doesn’t know everything and not to trust them. At first it was just a pill a day. I am a medical transcriptionist and I sit all day. You would think that would be an easy job, but let me tell you….it isn’t. It is just as hard on the body to sit all day as it is to be strenuously active. It stresses muscles in the body to hold the same position for long periods of time. My doctor told me, “Get up every few minutes and stretch and move around.” Yea, right. Once I get involved in the notes and the stories of patients I am typing, time just slips away. Before I know it, I have been sitting for an hour and it takes me a few minutes to stand upright.
So back to the OxyContin stuff….
At first it was great. I could get some relief from my discomfort and have the ability to do my job more effectively. But after a short period of time I was going back to that doctor telling her that it was not enough…that if I could take 2 a day, it would afford me so much more relief and then I could manage my home life after work easier. Guess what, she agreed. So, 2 pills a day was great…..for a while. You know how that is going to progress....
Before I knew it, I was taking 3 pills of OxyContin 10 mg per day and then I don't know how many oxcodone for breakthrough pain. At first I thought it was great to have relief so that I could live my life and I had myself convinced that without the pills, I was unable to work. It was my reason for not going on disability. Being the prideful person I am, I thought it was the answer all to my delemma. I felt great! I could get through my work day, get through my responsibilites as a mother and a wife and still have energy and time for other activities that fulfilled my life. So, I lived like this for about 20 years.
I ended up losing one of my doctors. For some reason, he just wasn't there anymore. I called to make my scheduled monthly appointment and was told he was no longer living in town. Strange, huh? I panicked and scrambled to find another doctor who would prescribe my pills and quickly found out about the social stigma of what I was doing. Not ALL doctors were so quick to help me out. A creapy shameful feeling began to sweep over me and I felt that what I was doing was wrong in some way, but didn't understand why. If my own doctor was so quick to increase my doses every time I squeaked out any verbal complaint of pain, why was it so hard to find another doctor to do so?
Thus, began the grim cycle. It was a terrible feeling to think that not only was I going to have to do without my magic pills, but my ability to work was at risk as well. It made me feel sick and ashamed.....but I wasn't doing anything wrong, right?
I finally found another doctor who would help me out. He was referred to me by the very kind nursing staff at the doctor's office I was going to, the doctor we could no longer find. I called and was told that he will accept some of the other doctor's patients, but I would have to come in to see him and find out. So that is what I did.
Scared and nervous, I scheduled my appointment and arrived to his office in hopes that he would too be the kind of doctor that would understand how important it was for me to have these pills. It didn't take but a few minutes and I was marching out of his office with my scripts on my way to the pharmacy, relieved and happy my life wasn't going to end.....and life went on.
I spent the next number of years hiding the fact that I was on these medications from my friends and family, but I didn't care. In my mind, it was the answer all and I was determined to live my life in comfort. I didn't want my fibromyalgia to take over. The relief I felt was well worth the cost. It took me almost 20 years to realize what I was doing to myself.
After a few years went by, I started hearing stuff in the news about OxyContin and how "they" determined that it was addictive after all. (Oh boy! Great news, right?). By that time, I had been on them for so many years, I figured I was a hopeless case and would have to continue them if I wanted to work and enjoy my life, even though down deep, I was scared of my doctor ever retiring or; God forbid, moves out of town without notice.
I began to slowly realize, though, that what I had done was probably not the best thing for me.....that maybe holding onto the thought that it was my only option was also the worst option. I started ravenously buying self help books and reading news articles and studies from prominent hospitals to educate myself more. More and more I began realizing what a hole I had dug for myself and I wasn't sure how I was going to get out.
That is pretty much the long and the short of it. This is where I am now....in my hole.....anyone got a shovel?
Maybe there is a life after drugs. I see alcoholics and drug addicts recover all the time...all those success stories. I have come to the conclusion (I know...at least at this time in my life) that want to be a part of that mindset. I feel like crap if I don't take the drugs. Is that because of the fibro, or because of the addiction? I am not really sure, but I want to find out. I need to know what it feels like to have a clear mind, a clear though and a life without drugs. This can't be all there is....(well, maybe it is, but I am a helpless romantic and stubborn).
I am truly exhauste trying to live my life around drugs. I have to go in every month to get my new prescriptions. They have to be written. The doctor cannot just call them in. I get looks and the attitude from the pharmacists and technicians at the pharmacy all the time and it shames and angers me. When I come to the end of my montly prescription, I almost panic to think that I might have taken more than what the doctor prescribed for a day or two during that month because I was hurting more, and that I will run short before I can get my new scripts.....and when I do run short, the withdrawal symptoms are not nearly worth the few days of relief I got.
So this is where I am at today. It is time that I see what life is like with a clear mind. I want to shovel out of the hole I made for myself and stop living in shame and fear. I won't lie to you, though. I am scared. I am used to getting what I set my mind to getting. I am not used to failure. It doesn't feel good.
I want to write this during the time I go through it. I want to share my experience in hopes that it might help someone else out who is thinking the same way. Even if I don't succeed, maybe you will. That will make this worth it to me.
Before I knew it, I was taking 3 pills of OxyContin 10 mg per day and then I don't know how many oxcodone for breakthrough pain. At first I thought it was great to have relief so that I could live my life and I had myself convinced that without the pills, I was unable to work. It was my reason for not going on disability. Being the prideful person I am, I thought it was the answer all to my delemma. I felt great! I could get through my work day, get through my responsibilites as a mother and a wife and still have energy and time for other activities that fulfilled my life. So, I lived like this for about 20 years.
I ended up losing one of my doctors. For some reason, he just wasn't there anymore. I called to make my scheduled monthly appointment and was told he was no longer living in town. Strange, huh? I panicked and scrambled to find another doctor who would prescribe my pills and quickly found out about the social stigma of what I was doing. Not ALL doctors were so quick to help me out. A creapy shameful feeling began to sweep over me and I felt that what I was doing was wrong in some way, but didn't understand why. If my own doctor was so quick to increase my doses every time I squeaked out any verbal complaint of pain, why was it so hard to find another doctor to do so?
Thus, began the grim cycle. It was a terrible feeling to think that not only was I going to have to do without my magic pills, but my ability to work was at risk as well. It made me feel sick and ashamed.....but I wasn't doing anything wrong, right?
I finally found another doctor who would help me out. He was referred to me by the very kind nursing staff at the doctor's office I was going to, the doctor we could no longer find. I called and was told that he will accept some of the other doctor's patients, but I would have to come in to see him and find out. So that is what I did.
Scared and nervous, I scheduled my appointment and arrived to his office in hopes that he would too be the kind of doctor that would understand how important it was for me to have these pills. It didn't take but a few minutes and I was marching out of his office with my scripts on my way to the pharmacy, relieved and happy my life wasn't going to end.....and life went on.
I spent the next number of years hiding the fact that I was on these medications from my friends and family, but I didn't care. In my mind, it was the answer all and I was determined to live my life in comfort. I didn't want my fibromyalgia to take over. The relief I felt was well worth the cost. It took me almost 20 years to realize what I was doing to myself.
After a few years went by, I started hearing stuff in the news about OxyContin and how "they" determined that it was addictive after all. (Oh boy! Great news, right?). By that time, I had been on them for so many years, I figured I was a hopeless case and would have to continue them if I wanted to work and enjoy my life, even though down deep, I was scared of my doctor ever retiring or; God forbid, moves out of town without notice.
I began to slowly realize, though, that what I had done was probably not the best thing for me.....that maybe holding onto the thought that it was my only option was also the worst option. I started ravenously buying self help books and reading news articles and studies from prominent hospitals to educate myself more. More and more I began realizing what a hole I had dug for myself and I wasn't sure how I was going to get out.
That is pretty much the long and the short of it. This is where I am now....in my hole.....anyone got a shovel?
Maybe there is a life after drugs. I see alcoholics and drug addicts recover all the time...all those success stories. I have come to the conclusion (I know...at least at this time in my life) that want to be a part of that mindset. I feel like crap if I don't take the drugs. Is that because of the fibro, or because of the addiction? I am not really sure, but I want to find out. I need to know what it feels like to have a clear mind, a clear though and a life without drugs. This can't be all there is....(well, maybe it is, but I am a helpless romantic and stubborn).
I am truly exhauste trying to live my life around drugs. I have to go in every month to get my new prescriptions. They have to be written. The doctor cannot just call them in. I get looks and the attitude from the pharmacists and technicians at the pharmacy all the time and it shames and angers me. When I come to the end of my montly prescription, I almost panic to think that I might have taken more than what the doctor prescribed for a day or two during that month because I was hurting more, and that I will run short before I can get my new scripts.....and when I do run short, the withdrawal symptoms are not nearly worth the few days of relief I got.
So this is where I am at today. It is time that I see what life is like with a clear mind. I want to shovel out of the hole I made for myself and stop living in shame and fear. I won't lie to you, though. I am scared. I am used to getting what I set my mind to getting. I am not used to failure. It doesn't feel good.
I want to write this during the time I go through it. I want to share my experience in hopes that it might help someone else out who is thinking the same way. Even if I don't succeed, maybe you will. That will make this worth it to me.
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