They say it takes a village to raise a child. I believe it takes a team to achieve recovery. It is not just about the 12-step program or getting through the kick of titrating off of drugs. That is just the beginning. I have read a lot of self help books in my life. Each time I came across a situation in my life that I needed to get through, I sought out the teachers that will help me through it. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia, I did a lot of online searches, went to support groups and bought a lot of books. When I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism, I bought a lot of books. When I made the decision to get off of the drugs, I started gathering my team.
My first goal was to find a doctor who would understand my situation and who had experience with my situation. Then I thought the 12-step program was the next step, but when they wanted a urine sample to test for drugs (even though we both knew it was going to be positive), I felt that was the wrong direction. You don't use a pancake recipe to make muffins. I have read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people who are or have been dependent on drugs, and the one thing that range through my mind is there is going to be a lot of stuff come up that I have been numbing for a lot of years that will need to be addressed if I expect to be successful. So, I sought out a counselor/psychiatrist whom I could confide in and help manage the difficulty of overcoming the emotional aspect of what I was about to go through. Thankfully, my doctor suggested one to me.
The first appointment we just gathered information to define my goals, which is a lot harder than it sounds. The only goal I had in my mind at that time was to get off the drugs and how hard that was going to be, so I needed to be focused. I hadn't thought much past that. I found it difficult to break down what I was thinking and feeling and describe how I was going to chip away at the steps I needed to take to be healthy again. Let alone the fact that I am still under the effect of drugs and still had a foggy brain. The first hour went quickly, though. I was pretty calm and composed, even though I could feel tears welling up in my throat and I knew if she said the wrong word I was going to be diving for the tissue box to mop up the flood of tears that would start. I got through it though. Before I knew it, the hour was up and we were scheduling the next appointment.
During the drive to my next appointment, I wasn't sure what I was going to talk about. I had a couple little things that I could touch on, but nothing really major had happened in the week between our last visit. So I was pretty devoid of subject matter. I had rosy visions of sitting across from her the whole hour just breathing at each other. That appointment turned out to be a doozy!
I spent the full hour or so crying my eyes out in frustration (yup, I finally cried). I have had so many emotions going through me that I really had not been aware of, that could not describe and didn't understand where they were coming from. A lot of it was frustration. I wanted this struggle to be done and over with. I wanted to get on with my life and have this behind me. I felt like I was climbing a huge rock mountain in thongs. The same time I was acquiring a little bit of pride for getting this far, it seemed like there was so much further to go....and sometimes I wasn't so sure I could do it.
I read somewhere that once a person starts numbing with drugs or alcohol (any mood or mind altering substance), we stop growing intellectually, emotionally and mentally. Boy did they get that right! I knew this was going to be an element of my recovery, but I truly did not understand how monumental this task was going to be. I can honestly say, I now understand why people relapse. It is very difficult to feel very frustrated in the midst of a situation, have emotions bubble up and not know what to do with them. Especially anger. It became very apparent to me that, in the past when I would be in situations where I was angry or frustrated, I would just take another pill and before I knew it.....everything was okay again. Whatever it was that upset me, was now no longer an issue......or even if it was.....I didn't care anymore. So each time I did this, I was stuffing my emotions. I kinda look at it as depositing into my dysfunction bank. Sooner or later it comes back to me....and I hate that when it does because I usually act on it from an emotional place instead of taking the time to think things out and then dealing with them. When that happens, usually nothing but bad comes out of it. As my mind begins to clear off of the drugs, I seem to have moments of time when I get these very strong feelings that I don't know what to do with that usually turns into frustration.
And it seems like these moments keep cropping up every time I turn around. When my husband (bless him for his patience) does not take all of the garbage out at a time, I see red. It makes no sense to me to go through the expense of using the energy at all if the job is not completed. When my dog gets in the way as I am racing through the house to catch the phone and nearly trips me, I want to yell at her for being so stupid. Then when I look back at her to do so, she has this 'I'm sorry, mom' look on her face and my heart melts. Then I feel like crap for even being mad at her to begin with and I get angry with myself. Then I get frustrated because I should know how to control my emotions better. These things may sound pretty petty to the average person, but for someone going through drug withdrawals, they can be a great reason to take a pill and make it not matter.
I filled my last OxyContin prescription. The bottle is still sitting in my bathroom cabinet that I call it my pharmacy. So far I have not even looked at it, but I have thought about it. It makes more sense to me to have it available so that I have the choice to take it or not. If I didn't, the way I think, I would be panicked and feeling like I was backed into a corner with no way out. I read that once in a stop smoking book I read. Every time you want a cigarette, make the choice whether or not you want to light one up. If you do, then light one up. That theory doesn't work very well for someone who does not want to quit smoking....but for someone who does, you find yourself choosing not to more and more, because your goal is to choose not to until you choose to be a nonsmoker. I thought that applying this mindset would work for me. For some people this won't work. We all need to figure out how to work things out so they will work best for what we want to achieve.
So, after my last counseling session I came home, got on my computer and printed out a couple mantras. I have them pasted on my computer where I work all day and will see them all the time. One says, "This is normal." I remember while sitting in the counselor's office, crying my eyes out and talking a mile a minute about how frustrated I was. She waited until I took an inhale and simply said, "This is normal." For some reason that really hit me hard, but in a good way. I had forgotten how difficult it is to go through what I was going through. I forgot to compare where I am now to where I was before the drugs, where I am going to be when this is over. In the big picture, this really is normal! All of a sudden, my world just got a lot bigger. I was so focused on minute-to-minute and day-to-day recovery, that I forgot about patience. I forgot to like myself in the process. Yes, what I am going through is monumental...yes, it is probably going to be the most difficult thing for me to do in this life....yes, it is going to take time.....and....yes, it IS normal.
The next mantra I chose after this revelation was, "I forgive me." If you think about it for a while, it is very profound. Most people spend their whole lives being disappointed in themselves for whatever reason. I didn't get that new job....I left the keys in my car this morning and someone stole it....I spilled coffee all over my new shirt I just bought and ruined it.....I stubbed my toe and it pissing me off because it hurts. Whatever the reason. Then we have this inner voice inside our head that tells us all the negatives....and it plays it back over and over again until we believe it as being true. Before you know it, that 'truth' becomes part of us and we behave and act on that truth. It can be very destructive.....very destructive. I had saved up a lot of that negative talk throughout my years. A lot of it from my childhood, so I have had many years of practice, many years of convincing myself and believing it to be true, but that day......I decided to forgive myself.
I forgave myself for opting not to go to college when I had the chance and accomplishing more in my life. I forgave myself for my 2 failed marriages. I forgave myself for not being a better mother, for being angry for so many years and not knowing why, for not being a better sister, a better daughter, for trusting the doctors for believing that narcotics were in my best interest......and most of all, for allowing myself to be weak enough become addicted to drugs.
I know that sounds like a blink of an eye change, but trust me it isn't. That is why I printed it out and taped to my computer.... so it will be in front of my face all day.....to remind myself that I need to change the negative voice in my head that keeps telling me why I shouldn't like myself for what I have done or who I have been or who I have become and change those thoughts to ones that will help me with forgiving myself.
The last mantra I printed out was one that simply says, "It is do-able." I know.....for you rationals out there, the grammar is driving you nuts. But I remember when my counselor said that to me. When I started crying again (yup...again) and got caught up in the negative voices in my head as I was pouring out my thoughts and feelings, the next moment I allowed my counselor to get a word in edgewise, there was a bit of a pause....then she said, "but, it's do-able." In that moment, I felt a huge sigh of relief coming out of me as I deflated back down to earth. You know what......it IS do-able! That was such a profound thing for her to say at that moment. I felt like a balloon that had just been popped with a needle and the more air that came out, the more I hurdled toward mental reality again.
The world is not going to come to an end in a heartbeat if I pause my life long enough to go through this and come out clean. Life is not going to end as we know it if I don't have all the answers right now and I can't click my fingers and be done with it. This is a process. It may be a long one, but well worth it. What will I gain? I will gain my health back. I will gain my memories, my emotions, my relationships.....but most of all......I will gain my self respect back. I think that is the one thing I miss the most..... my self respect.
That means a lot to me. I used to have a lot of it. Somewhere along the line, I don't remember when, I lost that. I can walk around all day long being the person everyone thinks I am and come off looking okay on the outside. But on the inside, I have felt broken.....defeated....deflated and empty. I have lost my zest for fun in life. I remember telling my counselor that I used to 'eat' life. I had passion for living and experiencing new things. For such a long time my whole world evolved around making sure that I have enough pills to make it through until I can get another script, that I lost my self respect. I forgot how to nurture it. I haven't felt really good about myself in a long, long time.
Of course, that made me angry and yes....I cried....or rather....I grieved. It was kind of a weird good grief, though. It was cleansing. The more I cried and let it out, the more I could come to terms with the fact that these last 20 years, I have sat back and pretty much wasted my life. It was the cold hard truth, it happened, it is done. I cannot change it....but I can decide to change it in the future. I have that power. We all have that power within us....to change our mind....to take a different journey....to regroup, restock and set out on another path. This time when I climb the mountain, I will wear my boots. I really felt like this was a good starting point. Not when I first started titrating off of the drugs, but now. I thought the beginning was when I made my decision to get off the drugs, but I think I will make this my new beginning. Now that the fog is starting to clear and I am starting to feel and think more clearly again.
But, I am still scared and excited. My revelations have not change that. I have a better way of thinking of things and with my counselor's help, I will learn more tools..... and if I blow up in anger or get really frustrated, I can make a new beginning there as well. I can choose each time I fall, to get back up.... and if I don't like who I am......I will change my mind....because this is normal and I forgive myself... and the job that I have set out in from of me is do-able.
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